Some Days

comments: 29

Cabbage1I have a guilty pleasure. I often go to Chinese restaurants at two o'clock in the afternoon and eat lunch alone in the middle of the week. I realize how indulgent this sounds; I'm always sheepish in the parking lot, in case I am spotted, by anyone. It's one of those things maybe only the self-employed and childless get to do regularly. There is often no one else in the place; the private, genial conversations of the employees swirl around me in Chinese at high volume, but I can barely hear them, not understanding, as I don't, a single word. It's white noise, reassuring and off-silent, not-quite-but-almost silent. I guess it's actually like off-white noise. Two p.m. is their slow time; often they are sitting at a table just one over from me, eating their own lunches. What are they having? It's probably what I should order, but I'm always the same: barbecued-pork fried rice. I stay a long time, and become invisible myself, which is nice. Eating lunch alone with a book is one of my favorite things.

Cabbage2I went yesterday, on my way to the P.O. I thought about the summer and felt really sad, actually. I miss the beach. I miss when the plants were babies, tender and green instead of frowsy, old and scarred. I miss those extra two minutes on the sides of each day. I miss our dinners under the lantern. Thank you to everyone for your calendar suggestions. I'm so calendar-dumb it didn't occur to me that it's actually one of the best times of the year to get a calendar. Doi.

Cabbage3There's beauty in it all, of course, blah blah, but it doesn't matter. I feel the sadness anyway, inevitably, every year; it seeps in through my faulty seals and I let it, as you must. Andy has patients he can't talk about this week, they're too sad. One man can't talk himself, is frustrated and confused, but calls Andy over throughout the day to hug him. That makes me cry. One, in her 80s, asked him to pick up the Interview with the Vampire DVD, which he did on his way home last night. She has a picture of a man — her late husband? — propped on her tray all day. She just sold her house with everything in it.

Cabbage6Today I'm going to the bookstore to get a drawing book, an Ed Emberley–type, turn-your-thumbprint-into-an-elephant-head, a tea pot. My niece probably has what I'm really looking for. She made me a little horse out of clay over the weekend, in the hours she had at home before coming for her sleepover; she was excited about it and needed something to do. As with all of her critters, Muzette (as I named her) is imbued with a gentle, slightly amused curiosity; she does it with the eyes, the posture. The mare's lying down, with all legs tucked under, relaxed. I wouldn't think, if I lived a hundred million years, to sculpt a horse at rest. But this girl is a natural.

Cabbage5Last night we watched Sydney Pollack's biography of architect Frank Gehry on OPB. I rewound and re-listened to the part where Pollack says something like, "I think all talent is actually liquid trouble. It's frustration with the world as it is, and an attempt to make something else out of it." I also thought it was so interesting when Gehry told how at sixteen he went to a lecture by an old guy with white hair. The guy talked about the stuff he was doing in a way that was appealing to Gehry; he tucked the ideas down deep and did some other stuff with his life. Years later, after he'd become an architect, he could see that his work was very much inspired by Alvar Aalto. He went back and looked up who'd given that lecture, back in 1946. Of course it had been Aalto.

29 comments

That last photo is especially breathtaking.

I'm a particular fan of chicken fried rice, myself. It's about the only Chinese food I eat.

Right there w/you on the sadness of summer gone. Sept. is tough! It's funny..my front yard now resembles fall..my hanging mum baskets are beautiful. The backyard , on the other hand, still struggling to let go of summer...hard to rip out the plants when there's still a bit of color!

I have the same feeling -- almost like the earth has slown down and is in limbo before it gears up to spin in the other direction. Lovely photos.

About 10 mins ago I was sitting in a Thai restaurant all by myself. I ordered the usual #12 with a glass of water. I opened the first page of 'The Year of Magical Thinking' by Joan Didion. I won't be leaving her life for a while, I can just tell.
All those miles away.
C xx

Chris Howard says: September 28, 2006 at 10:35 AM

Ah, I can definitely see that Fall is a "winding down" time for you. For a lot of people it brings a bit of mellow sadness, but for me, well you know I get energized in the Fall. My advice is to pamper yourself. Absorb the golden afternoon sunlight, take a hot bubble bath, eat your chinese food alone, you work hard and you deserve it! Take a little time and enjoy reflecting and slowing down. Wallow a bit in sadness. Trust me, a little winding down now will help you cope with the frenzy of activity that is the upcoming holiday season.

Lovely post. Particularly the Andy/patients part. When I was in college I worked at a retirement center. Some of the residents we so sweet and their situations so sad.. it was hard not to be moved by it.I haven't thought about that in years. Have a pleasant peaceful day.

Love the post today Alicia and the pictures.

I know some feel sad for summer saying goodbye, but I think I have mentioned somewhere that Fall is my favorite. It always has been. Reminds me of Fall at college.. the football games, Homecoming, doing the house decks for Homecoming.. getting to walk on still lush green grass that is cold to the touch, but most of all I had Emma on October 13th, and I was off for 12 weeks. Off for 3 whole months during the Fall/holiday season. It was such a rush to get to just be with her during the time period. Taking naps together infront of the big window as we were bathed in the Autumn sunlight. Still warm enough outside to go to the park since all the kids were back in school (seriously, you should see all the pictures I have of her in either mums or leaves). It was just magical. So, if I do mourn, it is that I mourn for the wonderful time I got to spend getting to know my daughter-- just the two of us : )
I always look forward to Spring and Summer, but this girl's heart always yearns for the fall.

so want to see the gehry bio - even more now that you've spoke of it. love the idea of that aalto gehry connection in the flesh.
(please think of me next time you are eating chinese alone. oh how i envy this idea! i will be thinking of you!)

To be sad in Fall seems perfectly natural to me. Fall is an ending of sorts and endings are often sad. But there's also Fall's lovely light and and its many hues and Thanksgiving with its pies and other good foods along with family, friends and happiness. The sadness ends and then there is happiness.

That was a totally great show on Gehry, wasn't it Alicia? I wish I had taped it. There was so much he said that pertains to what we do.

Such pretty flouncy cabbages. Love them.

i actually think about andy at the hospital a lot-- wierd? yes... and it's those situations that i picture actually.

what was with the dude in the bathrobe? laugh out loud. i liked what the one said about frank and his ultimate ego and the way he handles criticism-- both from the outside and the inside. half of it i was laughing out loud, and half of it made me want to well up!

thank you so much for this post. i have felt so terribly, terribly sad this week and thought it was just me because i've never felt like this in the fall before. lately i'm finding i'm missing everyone who has passed in and out of my life over the years, which adds to the melancholy.

as storme said though it is like a limbo, which is often temporary.

I don't think that's self-indulgent at all! I think everyone needs to do something for themselves or they will go insane! And now I'm hungry for Chinese food :)

Before I moved here to Ohio, I lived in NY state, worked in midtown Manhattan. I often went to late lunches at a Chinese restaurant, by myself and with a book. Beef and Snowpeas. The same white noise of the staff eating something I often fantasized about asking for, but never really wanting to leave my little Beef and Snowpeas comfort zone. Not really.

I am overcome with the sadness that is fall, too. Every year it seems to come sooner, with more drama. Or maybe I'm just getting sadder and older and need to be put out to pasture.

Its not selfish at all eating on your own. I actually go to the movies on my own. With all that is going on in my life, and also suffering from some disorder that makes me think about things way too much(ha!) Going to see a movie is the only way my brain can just stop and be absorbed by someone elses story. I saw Devil wears Prada yesterday (it finally reached Oz) and when I came out I wanted to get my haircut and buy Chanel sunglasses!!(of which I did neither) lol!

While I can not wait for Spring, I look forward to fall. I love the smell of wood stoves, the cold crisp air and the crunch of leaves. I think that we have seasons so that when our favorite season goes away someone elses favorite comes along. I don't want you to be sad so maybe it would help to think of it not as the passing of your favorite season, but rather the birth of someone else's.

Also I don't know why I want to share this quote with you, but I do. I am not sure that it has anything to do with anything but here goes: Dito Montiel writer/director of his independent film (A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints said "Making this film was the strangest thing I've ever done. And I've done a lot of strange things. I realize now that getting a movie made requires a combination of relentless madness and basically complete and utter delusion- a sort of autopilot type of delusion. Think Sweet Pea in a Popeye cartoon, sleepwalking while construction planks position themselves just in time!"

Sometimes life is not like this and well ... sometimes it is. I think life simply goes through it's own stages just like the seasons. It is hard not to be overcome by the changes.

Hugs and more Hugs! (Sorry for the bad grammar and possible spelling mistakes. I type like I talk ... fast and giddy. You may feel free to use this paragraph [or all the ones I have ever written] as a sort of exercise for correction). he he

I've got faulty seals, too. The Galumph regularly informs me that the heart on my sleeve is so big it makes one arm hang lower than the other. It's good, though, letting stuff seep in - it makes me aware of how beautiful and fragile life can be, and serves as a constant reminder to be thankful.

I enjoyed that! I remember reading somewhere, "there's nothing like change to bring out emotion and nothing like emotion to bring about change". Guess we can apply it to the seasons as well,and how we relate to them!Looking forward to your next post.

i learned a new word: frowsy.
i like your stories about andy. i can imagine him hugging an old man. so sweet. and you've made me want to see the frank gehry documentary even more. thanks, alicia. you never dissapoint.

My daughter loves her Ed Emberly books. Our family portrait that was inspired by the thumbprint book and The Small Object. Its here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/68667615@N00/145759102/

Hey, funny, I'd never thought of autumn for being a time for grieving, but then yesterday someone posted on one of the yahoo groups I belong to a post called "Grief: The Prominent Emotion of Autumn", and today I read this... bizarre. Synchronicity.

I know what you mean about the close of summer, but I actually really love autumn; in a funny old way, to me it's like the cycle is starting again - I've just planted bulbs to flower in the spring, and I know that they're tucked up and 'sleeping' now, ready to emerge in February and March. That comforts me! It's funny how our perspectives idffer, isn't it. I'm sure that when we're deep in the middle of winter I won't be feeling quite so optimistic!! Lovely post - your writings are so gentle, like a hug on a page :)

Something about the adirondack chair photograph really evokes the feelings that you described about fall. Melancholy perhaps?
Lovely.

she has a fine imaginativety and cretiveness.. to make a sitting horse.. very different..
and about the autumn..this year I have a different feeling about it I feel so cheered up.. there must be something wrong with my biorhythmic system

If it is any consolation I live in a place where it is like summer nearly all year round. It makes me long for the crisp lushness of fall and rain. I think I remember rain? I envy your change of season. Sunny all the time is like no sun at all.

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About Alicia Paulson

About

My name is Alicia Paulson
and I love to make things. I live with my husband and daughter in Portland, Oregon, and design sewing, embroidery, knitting, and crochet patterns. See more about me at aliciapaulson.com

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